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Jun 13, 2011

Eric and Linus's Hot Core Linux Developer Meeting

Eric pulled his Colt M1991A Officer’s Model out of the front of his grey sweatpants and looked down at the kneeling, simpering mess in front of him.

“Would you like to hear a joke, Linus?” Eric said as he looked at the barrel of his gun as if to ignore his prisoner.

Linus didn’t say a word, but his eyes, already saucer plates, grew wider.

“So a core Linux developer finds out that a second core Linux developer has filed a restraining order against him.”

Eric locked eyes with Linus—as best he could, as they didn’t always line up—and brandished the Colt.

“The first core Linux developer thinks this strange and heads over to the second core Linux developer house,” Eric said. “But the second core Linux developer refuses to answer the door.”

Eric paused to reach around and scratch his ass through his dirty old grey sweatpants, smiling as he did so, before continuing.

“So the first Linux developer, afraid that the second Linux developer is suffering from acute mental illness, shoots the second Linux developer’s door wide open and comes inside.”

Linus swallowed and found his mouth dry as he looked at the broken-in front door a few feet behind Eric. The smell of gunpowder still hung in the air.

“Sound familiar yet?” he said. “Stop me if you’ve heard it.”

Pausing, Eric reached into the back pocket of his sweatpants and produced a small bottle full of black liquid, opened it with his teeth, and took a long, hard swig. The room filled with a sickly-sweet boozy smell.

“So the first Linux developer says to the second one, ‘Why did you get a restraining order against me?’ And the second Linux developer says, ‘Because you sexually assaulted me until I made you a core Linux developer!’ Then the first Linux developer says, ‘But you know you liked it, you little bitch!’”

Eric poured the rest of the bottle down his gullet and threw it at a nearby LCD screen, knocking it over. Linus shuddered and his heart raced.

“And the first Linux developers says, ‘Playing hard to get turns me on!’”

Eric slowly traced the outline of Linus’s jaw with his Colt and leered.

The crap-lines in Linus’s forehead drew higher as sweat trickled over them. Memories of a year go last time Eric visited and the subsequent hospital stay and therapy flashed in his mind.

“So the second Linux developer says to the first, ‘No, no, please leave me alone. I swear I’m not trying to turn you on.’” Eric affected a girly voice, which didn’t sound any different from his usual nasal drone, but he giggled at his effort.

Eric produced a low, rumbling belch and the smell in the room grew rotten.

“‘Please, don’t touch me with your gun!’ the second Linux developer says to the first,” Eric said as he waggled the gun in front of Linus’s face. “‘You're going to make me kernel-dump!’”

Linux shivered a little as Eric’s Colt tickled his lower lip. He tried to purse his lips but found himself unable.

Eric slipped the tip of his Colt in Linus’s mouth Linus sobbed.

“What do you want,” Linus said. “I’ll do anything!”

“Ah, so you do know this joke,” Eric said. “Okay, Linus, since you're talking sense now, I'll cut it short. I need you to do three things for me.”

He jammed the Colt back into the front of his sweatpants and dropped to his haunches. His face was inches from Linus’s.

“First, I need you to stop changing my password on the Git server” Eric said. “I'm sick and tired of having to reset it and I know you're doing it just to irritate me.”

Linus started to smirk and laugh, happy to confirm that his jackassery had worked, but hid it with a cough as if he had choked in fear.

“Second, you're going to write the forward to the new edition of The Cathedral and the Bazaar,” Eric said. “And you're going to totally disavow Stallman's contributions to the kernel and talk about how Open Source is the only way to go.”

Linus swallowed, still tasting metal and gunpowder in his mouth. This would only ensure several more years of pedantic arguments about GNU/Linux nomenclature from Stallman.

“And third—and this is a big one,” Eric said. “Stop adding parodies to my Wikipedia entry and start adding parodies to Stallman's!”

Linus sighed, glad to hear none of Eric's demands involved surprise sodomy. He could deal with these tasks far better than he could sucking Eric's twig-like cock or swallowing his rancid turds. He was actually feeling a little relieved.

“Well, I’m glad you liked my joke,” Eric said as palmed Linux’s cheeks in his cold, clammy hands. “But right now I have a train to catch.”

Eric gave Linus a full-mouth kiss, inhaling deeply through his mustache as he did. As he withdrew, a string of saliva stuck in the air between them.

“Seeya, wouldn't wanna be ya!” Eric shouted just as he turned on heel.

Eric sprinted through the smashed front door frame and into the night as best he could with a Colt stuffed in his asscrack.

With that, Linus fell over crying and smiling. He was really getting into having a boyfriend.

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